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Cool Quotes & Phrases

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Here's a few humorous quotations, most of them computer related - unfortunately I have not kept track of the originators - so they are here presented anonymously:


Science and engineering department:

• "Intuitively obvious to the most casual observer"
  


• "Industrial-strength stupid"
  


• "Design by anecdote"
  


• Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
  


• A Black Hole is where God is dividing by Zero.
  


• Measure with a micrometer. Mark with a crayon. Cut with an axe.
  


• In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
  


• A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
  


• The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
  


• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  


• Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
  


• Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
  


• According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
  

Computer sciences department:

• The best compression tool: "DEL *.*" (DOS) or "rm -r" (UNIX)
  


• UNIX message: "Your fault: core dumped"
  


• Helpfull computer prompt: "File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)"
  


• Chef's computer prompt: "Dinner failed... (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza?"
  


• Easy decision: "Press any key to continue, or some other key to abort".
  


• Agression reliever: "(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer?"
  


• A bad day: "Transfer completed (5720468 bytes, 1 CPS)
  


• Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  


• And then I realized that it never should have worked in the first place. Thus, it would not work again until rewritten.
  


• "Can't find REALITY.SYS - The universum has been halted."
  


• "It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit"
  


• Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
  


• Life would be easier if I had the source code.
  


• Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
  


• "Those who can't write, write manuals"
  


• If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
  


• If it weren't for C, we would only have Obol, Pasal and Basi.
  


• How do I set my laser printer on stun?
  


• Don't look back. The lemmings are gaining on you.
  

General department:

• "The idea is to die young as late as possible"
  


• "Stealing is illegal because the government doesn't like the competion"
  


• "PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?"
  


• "Glittering jewel of collosal ignorance"
  


• "Indecision is the key to flexibility"
  


• Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
  


• "No matter where you go, there you are"
  


• "Due to budgetary constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel is being turned off."
  


• Health is simply the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
  


• Smoking areas in restaurants are like peeing areas in swimming pools.
  


• "If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport"
  


• This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
  


• The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
  


• Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
  


• Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
  


• Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
  


• People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
  


• There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please.
  


• "I intend to live forever - so far, so good..."
  


• "... and as I said before, I never repeat myself"
  


• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes"
  


• Time is just one damn thing after another.
  


• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
  


• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  


• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  


• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  


• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  


• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  


• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  


• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
  


• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  


• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  


• Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
  


• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  


• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  


• Re. graphics: A picture is worth 10K words - but only those that describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with a picture.
  


• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
  


• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
  


• "As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life"
  

A dictionary of sorts:

• Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl.
  


• Bagpipe (n): an octopus wearing a kilt.
  


• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
  


• Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps.
  


• Hardware (n): the parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
  


• to be continued...

Machintosh thrashing special interest dept.:

• To be politically correct, we will no longer call them "Macintoshes", we will call them "computationally challenged".
  


• MacIntosh - Machine Always Crashes, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.
  


• Apples have been a problem ever since Eden.
  


• The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is 9.8 m/s².
  

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